So it has been a few years since I have posted. Different jobs, different houses, different friends, even; and I will get to them at some point. But maybe what has experienced the most change since I last sat down at the keyboard has been this body of mine. Not that it was a temple, or maybe it has never been to me, ever. But now, well, now it has gotten my attention.
Recently, I started experiencing vertigo. Not just the light-headedness kind either. The full-blown-bring-you-to-your-knees-throwing-up kind. So, what did I do, I made an appointment with my doctor. While I was at it, I thought I would talk to him about all of this weight that just appeared overnight. And all he said to me was, “Well, that all comes with getting old.” So after bitch-slapping him a good one and then screaming “Fuck all of you!” to his petite nursing staff, I got in my car and headed home. That was a whopping $50.00 co-pay down the drain. And on the way home, I came to the realization that I was getting old. So what. I am married to a man that loves me. I don’t have to shop around in the meat market anymore. My two boys love me unconditionally and have thought of me as being old since the day I brought them home from the hospital. Who do I need to impress?
But it wasn’t until today that something caught my eye and really made me stop and re-think the whole getting old thing. Was I leaving myself out of the mix when it came to impressing people?
Now I have all of the beauty products that can be had. I have even been fortunate enough to be able to afford some pretty pricey ones. Ones that smell and feel so luxurious that my mind is tricked into thinking that Coco Chanel herself would stop me on the street and ask me to model her latest frock. (God, I am old) But do I use them? Nope. I have face masks, cleansers, toners, moisturizers, night cremes, lip cremes, eye cremes, neck cremes. But do I use them, nope.
Then I look around my home office and there sits a Peloton Treadmill. Monthly I see that the charge for the Peloton classes, shows up faithfully, but do I use them, nope. I feel like every day, all day, I sit and think about what I could do to help me lose weight or combat wrinkles, but it is almost like I have convinced myself that the act of buying the products will be enough. And it’s not. And do you know how I know that? The whisker.
I was sitting alone today and felt a twinge on my upper lip and unconsciously went to scratch it. Only when I felt my upper lip I felt a whisker. And I am not talking about a small millimeter strand, I am talking I could actually take the length of it between two fingers. Holy shit. Do you know how much time that must have taken to grow that long? And then I tried to think of the last time I actually looked at myself in a mirror. Looked so closely that I could have seen that? I couldn’t remember. If I am being honest with myself I can’t remember the last time I really got to know myself well enough to really know what is going on within me. Yeah, it is easy for my doctor to say that the things I bring to him are due to old age, and I am sure they are. And maybe it would be different if I knew that whisker was there over the last few weeks and I was just being lazy, but that wasn’t it. I just was not looking.
In the weeks ahead, I will get into the weeds on what has been happening with me over the last few years. In one instance, I had a pretty rough time with someone I thought was a friend. The way it made me feel was horrible. But today, when it dawned on me how long, I, myself, had ignored … well … me, I realized that something needs to change. I need to start paying attention. It isn’t about being the most beautiful person on the outside for everyone to admire, it is about knowing myself and my body well enough to be the most beautiful person for me. One that I am proud of. One that, if no one else in the world knows me, I do.
So, beginning immediately I am going to use that treadmill, those creams, those facials. If only so that I can get to know my body. Every inch of it. There may be more inches to this body than there was 30, 20 and even 1- years ago. But I want to get to know them. All of them.
You can come along with me on this journey, or not. The only passenger I am concerned about for now, is me.
The Bad Example 