I am going to let you in on a little something that I do all the time, but I am going to blame it on my shitty childhood: I LOVE TO STEAL LITTLE THINGS. Small bowls, bread plates, signs, a cool fork, anything I can fit in my pocket or purse.
I know, stealing is wrong; no matter what the object is. But sometimes I just cannot help myself. For me, I love little mementos of an occasion. I used to have a big thing for restaurant menus. No matter how cheap or fancy, I would love to try to figure out how to sneak that sucker out of the place. And although the majority of you are shaking your heads right now and judging me for this fetish, if you have ever been with me you know the thrill it gives you.
Well, except if you are my brother, or Mindy, my best friend.
One time, Tony and I went out to eat at this spaghetti place. Afterward, they served us this wonderful Neapolitan ice cream in these tiny little silver dishes. Now, I had such a wonderful visit with Tony and I wanted something other than my memories, which I know will at some point in my life fail me, so as soon as we finished licking our bowls, I was looking for a spot to stash these little treasures. One look at Tony and he knew right away what I was thinking. The whining began. “Taaaammmmiiii, I didn’t wear my cargo shorts with pockets.” What a pussy. And I say that with all the love in my heart for him. He just doesn’t have a mean or unlawful bone in his body.
And then there is Mindy, my best friend. The one person who I can count on to at least be my lookout when I am trying to swipe something. Except when it could be haunted. One day, we were out driving around the countryside looking for antiques. We happen to be in the same town as this old Insane Asylum. It is sooooooooo creepy. Well, when we were driving by I noticed that there was one truck there and the front doors were open. I begged her to stop. She already had gone a pale shade of yogurt. When she pulled in, I jumped out and started for the front door. A really sketchy looking guy came out and told me that he had been hired to tear the place down and I needed to leave. I noticed he only said this to me, so I turned around expecting to see Mindy, my wingman, my backup right there with me. Nope, she hadn’t even gotten out of the car. And she wasn’t going to either. And then, when he said that he had taken some stuff home when he first started doing this job, but he had to return it because spooky stuff started happening around his house, Mindy started the car and began backing out. I will admit, that even gave me a fright so all of their belongings were safe that day.
But you can’t tell me that you haven’t done something like this. I had such a wonderful time staying on the Queen Mary with Tony one summer, and I know I would remember it fondly whenever I was sifting through my old photos. But tell me, when do we ever sift through old photos? NEVER! But, now I remember this visit all the time because I happen to have four beautiful napkins from the Queen Mary dining room that I took after dinner one evening and I use regularly.
I know, I know. It still is wrong to steal. But remember, I had a shitty childhood.