The Bad Example

Showing You A Life Lived Through Bad Examples

Over my lifetime I have tried to develop techniques and tricks that would help me get through rough times. Whether that rough time spanned a night where I couldn’t get to sleep, a frustrating work day or even an entire childhood, having a coping method was key to my sanity.

For me, these tricks included off-the-wall things like working out a plan on how I was going to survive during a zombie apocolypse or even designing, right down to the room layout and furniture detail, a weekend getaway home. Whatever the technical or more likely psychiatric term for it is, I have come to know it as detailing.

When I was really young, I lived with my grandmother for a short period of time. That came to a literal crashing halt when one morning as we were returning from the grocery store and buying milk, a young man, drunk and high, hit us head on, killing my grandmother instantly. My only memory of the crash includes looking at her from a lower angle and seeing milk dripping down from the top of her head. No blood, no pain, just milk.

Although it was my mothers own fault I was there that day, for some ridiculous reason her and my step father had one of their friends practice hypnosis on me to see if I could remember any of the details of the crash. See, I have always had this huge cross scar on my left knee that looks like it was from a deep cut that should have almost cut my lower leg off. My mother swore it came from the accident. I had no memory of it at all. It was almost as if this was to settle a bet or something. Anyway, more on the scar in a later blog, so moving on …

When this idiot, who was actually a police officer who worked alongside my stepdick, was trying to put me under, he told me to imagine a peaceful scene and once I had that scene in my mind, to continue to search out more details of it. This would, or should have, eventually lulled me into a deep state of hypnosis.

My scene that day was pulling up to a beach in a small car and getting out and walking towards the water. Following his directions, I started to add more and more details to my scene. Feeling the sun on me while I sat inside the car and a small breeze blowing in from the windows. The feel of the leather on the back of my legs as I was sitting in the car. The hot pavement on my bare feet when I got out of the car. The salty smell I experienced the closer I got to the water. ┬áNeedless to say the great Houdini wasn’t the one in front of me so I didn’t remember any of the details of the accident but that day he did end up teaching me a method that has stuck with me my entire life on how to cope and calm myself down – detailing.

Over the years I have perfected this detailing method. On some nights, when I am finding it so difficult to get to sleep after a shitshow of a work day, I meticulously go through my plan for fortifying my condo building once the zombie apocalypse has begun. I go over the vegetable seeds and rain barrels and where on our rooftop will be the best position for them; which neighbor I am going to eat first and how I should load up on books now for curing meat and stretching animal hides; even down to the detail of where I will dispose of my poo (obviously on my vegetable seeds). Literally, all of those things that will need to be done. And the more detailed I get with my scenarios, I find the quicker I fall asleep.

When I really think and analyze exactly what I am doing, it really is about breaking things down from moment to moment. Actually, now that I am writing all of this down, I guess it is just my way of living in the moment; only not in the moment that it originally occurred.  Not exactly what Eckhart Tolle had in mind but to me, close enough.

And if nothing else, I find that by detailing, I am in control. That means alot when more often than not you feel you have so little control of your day.

So here is to detailing – the perfect coping method. It gets me through the rough times AND prepares me for the zombies!

 

 

Oh, so much has happened since the last time we spoke. Nothing that landed me in jail or anything, but still, things that were big enough to be considered life changes. And like a bad penny, or maybe a better way to say it here is, like a bad example of a penny, here I am again.

Have you ever had things happen in your life that caused you to stop your routines? Things that occurred that changed your everyday life just enough to throw you off kilter. Life went on, but things still seemed just a little off to you. Well, that was what happened to me. If I thought about it I probably could pinpoint the reason, but at this point, why the fuck would I do that. It’s best to move on from that shit. And moved on I have.

Those little mundane routines are starting to come back to me. And a nice thing is that I am finding the comfort in those. Even something as small as making the bed each morning is so enjoyable again both as I walk away from it at the beginning of the day and as I walk towards it at night. The sheets seem to feel cooler and softer. My pillows are fluffier. Crazy I know, but true.

And it’s not just about straightening my bed each day but straightening, well … me. I haven’t gotten to the point to where I look like a million bucks each time I go to the grocery store, but I don’t scare small children anymore and my husband is starting to walk with me instead of behind me when we go out in public. It feels good to feel good enough about myself each day to want to look nice. I missed that.

But I am not stupid, I know that my depression will show up again at some point. I just hope that it won’t be me that invites it over. That’s what I believe happened this last time.

So, here is to small routines, like this blog. May we both find joy in it.

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