The Bad Example

Okay, so I think I fucked up.

Last spring I took a job as the boss lady at a place. There are over 200 employees that are my responsibility and I should be setting a professional and poised example for.  I am not saying I actually do that on a day to day basis but I do try.  I had already taken a little break from my blogging last year so I didn’t think it would be too big of a deal. I mean really, this little blog isn’t the biggest and darkest secret I got going on in my life.  Just kidding … or am I?

Anyway, I know with social media one really has to be careful. But let’s face it, my Facebook is really only used for stalking (when done correctly only a misdemeanor) and stupid animal memes. My LinkedIn page is appropriately sterile and non-threatening. and in reality I have no clue on how to tweet or twirk or whatever they call it. So besides my little therapy blog here, I am thinking I am golden on that aspect. Until two days ago.

See, one of those 200 employees that I am supposed to be a model of professionalism for, I don’t believe really likes me all that much. If I am truly being honest here there are probably quite a few of the 200 that don’t like me but eh … you can’t please everyone. But in this particular case, I can honestly tell. It seems her responses to my questions or even just to a casual conversation we are having, always has a slight undertone to it. I can’t honestly put my finger on it but it’s there.

Moving on though, as I often do, when I can tell that someone doesn’t particularly jive with me, I just try harder to get them to. Stupid, I know, but one of my worst flaws. So what did I do, I told her about my blog. What the fuck was I thinking!!!  I even told her the exact name of it! Suddenly, as I was walking back to my office I was thinking  of all of the cursing and judging and mocking and divulging and revealing … and … and ……again, HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS I THINKING!

The next day, just as I saw her, she hit me with it straight on. “Okay, I am going to tell you, I read your blog.” I stopped dead in my tracks. I just froze. And I peed just a little bit. I didn’t even know how to respond. I couldn’t read her face. She didn’t seem to want to look up at me from her computer screen.  Is that considered taking a tone? Anyway, as I stood there stuttering and trying to get a read on her, she laid it on me anyway “Yeah, you, uh, you really, uh, put it out there don’t ya?” YIKES!

Now, don’t misread me here, I am not writing this blog to win awards and fame. This is a release for me. So often, I have found that when I am trying to verbalize my frustrations or thoughts, they come puking out of my mouth in a jumbled mess and I sound stupid and ridiculous or snotty and pretentious. And who knows, I probably still sound like all of those things when you are reading this (and thank you for reading this by the way) but at least I get them out of my head.

I love to see someone comment on a post but that is only because I also love the contact with another human being from some where out there in the world that isn’t standing right next to me.  And when I get a notification that someone has liked one of my posts, yes, there is a little voice that goes off in my head that sounds like Sally Field accepting her Oscar crying “You like me, you really like me.”  But in reality, when I push the Publish button after finishing writing, and I hear that DING! that it is live,  I really truly feel better.

But back to reality (oops there goes gravity), I know there is a possibility that she will read this. And I am wondering how she will react. Will I notice a difference in her? Will she say something directly to me? Or maybe she didn’t read my bog at all and was just fucking with me.

Hmmm … either way, work just got a little bit more interesting.