Okay, so I think I fucked up.
Last spring I took a job as the boss lady at a place. There are over 200 employees that are my responsibility and I should be setting a professional and poised example for. I am not saying I actually do that on a day to day basis but I do try. I had already taken a little break from my blogging last year so I didn’t think it would be too big of a deal. I mean really, this little blog isn’t the biggest and darkest secret I got going on in my life. Just kidding … or am I?
Anyway, I know with social media one really has to be careful. But let’s face it, my Facebook is really only used for stalking (when done correctly only a misdemeanor) and stupid animal memes. My LinkedIn page is appropriately sterile and non-threatening. and in reality I have no clue on how to tweet or twirk or whatever they call it. So besides my little therapy blog here, I am thinking I am golden on that aspect. Until two days ago.
See, one of those 200 employees that I am supposed to be a model of professionalism for, I don’t believe really likes me all that much. If I am truly being honest here there are probably quite a few of the 200 that don’t like me but eh … you can’t please everyone. But in this particular case, I can honestly tell. It seems her responses to my questions or even just to a casual conversation we are having, always has a slight undertone to it. I can’t honestly put my finger on it but it’s there.
Moving on though, as I often do, when I can tell that someone doesn’t particularly jive with me, I just try harder to get them to. Stupid, I know, but one of my worst flaws. So what did I do, I told her about my blog. What the fuck was I thinking!!! I even told her the exact name of it! Suddenly, as I was walking back to my office I was thinking of all of the cursing and judging and mocking and divulging and revealing … and … and ……again, HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS I THINKING!
The next day, just as I saw her, she hit me with it straight on. “Okay, I am going to tell you, I read your blog.” I stopped dead in my tracks. I just froze. And I peed just a little bit. I didn’t even know how to respond. I couldn’t read her face. She didn’t seem to want to look up at me from her computer screen. Is that considered taking a tone? Anyway, as I stood there stuttering and trying to get a read on her, she laid it on me anyway “Yeah, you, uh, you really, uh, put it out there don’t ya?” YIKES!
Now, don’t misread me here, I am not writing this blog to win awards and fame. This is a release for me. So often, I have found that when I am trying to verbalize my frustrations or thoughts, they come puking out of my mouth in a jumbled mess and I sound stupid and ridiculous or snotty and pretentious. And who knows, I probably still sound like all of those things when you are reading this (and thank you for reading this by the way) but at least I get them out of my head.
I love to see someone comment on a post but that is only because I also love the contact with another human being from some where out there in the world that isn’t standing right next to me. And when I get a notification that someone has liked one of my posts, yes, there is a little voice that goes off in my head that sounds like Sally Field accepting her Oscar crying “You like me, you really like me.” But in reality, when I push the Publish button after finishing writing, and I hear that DING! that it is live, I really truly feel better.
But back to reality (oops there goes gravity), I know there is a possibility that she will read this. And I am wondering how she will react. Will I notice a difference in her? Will she say something directly to me? Or maybe she didn’t read my bog at all and was just fucking with me.
Hmmm … either way, work just got a little bit more interesting.
2 thoughts on “This is a test. This is only a test.”
My blog (and my book) contain my deepest darkest secrets. It recounts drug abuse, mental illness and generally immature behavior that mortifies me. A guy in a writers’ group said it was in a narrow sub-genre called “confessional nonfiction.” I have a prominent job in a community nonprofit, and before that, the same job in a different nonprofit. There’s no other way to say it except “I’m out.” Anyone who googles my name gets my blog and/or my book. Being exposed like that takes some getting used to. At least when your coworker mentioned your blog she included “you really, uh, put it out there don’t ya?” So many times I hear “I read your blog.” And nothing else.
I will take that as an invitation to stalk! 🙂 I enjoy your blog posts so much and take it as a compliment that you follow me. Take care – Tami
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