Okay, I know I have written before about how I really do hate to obsess over my weight and what is bothering me is a little different I guess, but for a woman especially, it is tied together. Stay with me here.
When I was in college, my undergrad studies were in Organizational Leadership. One of the first classes I took really delved into what made specific people charismatic. In class, we talked about men like John F. Kennedy, Brad Pitt, Colin Powell; really only touching on men. And although we talked about looks, we all agreed that charisma really comes down to how someone carries themselves, how confident they are in themselves and what they stand for.
Now one of the things about me that just makes my husband shake his head in disbelief is that on my little list of men that I would pursue if he ever died on me, what … you don’t have one of those lists? Preparation is key honey. Anyway, on my list, I have men like David Letterman, Steven Tyler, and Dave Grohl. Why? You have probably guessed that it has nothing to do with looks but everything to do with charisma. That is what is attractive to me. I mean look at the beard that David Letterman has now. Do you think he grew that to cover his overbite? No, he grew it because he wanted to and he doesn’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks about him. That is charisma.
Last year, someone told me about a diet and exercise program called the Alpha Female. Looking at the 45-year-old woman that I heard it from, I was amazed. She already was a skinny little thing but after being on this program for 3-4 months, she looked like she could kick your ass one-handed because the other hand was still pulling up her size 2 skinny jeans. She looks amazing. And that was what I wanted. Reading the material on the program I was amazed because in the literature it described exactly what I wanted to get back to in my life: being able to walk into a room and everyone around me know that I had my shit together. That wasn’t the program’s actual slogan but you get the jist.
And here is where I am confused, torn, at a loss, lazy; whatever you want to call it. Why do I have to get down to a size 6 or 8 to be charismatic? Do I have to be skinny to have my shit together?
I have been giving this a lot of thought lately and I realized that my weight and personal confidence have gone up and down my entire life. And they haven’t always been in sync like you would think. There have been times when I did fit into those size 6 jeans but still second-guessed everything I said and did for days. After a meeting that I attended that, I don’t mind saying I looked AWESOME at, I still would obsess about things like did I talk too loud, or too much; were my jokes too off-color or did I say something stupid. Looking amazing didn’t make me an Alpha.
So, we are finally coming to the point of my post. In my quest to not cave to society’s pressure on being skinny, or that’s just what I tell myself when I waddle past my building’s workout room; I feel like I have also lost sight of even just taking care of myself to the extent to where I feel good about me and what makes me, well …. me.
I brush my teeth, I comb my hair …. well, I sometimes comb my hair. I have been putting it up a lot into a bun or ponytail. I can admit I don’t always shave my legs but really ladies, who does? But I am wearing shorts, and yes, it has been the same pair for a few days, and I admit, I have caught one of my dogs brushing up against my legs to scratch an itch that he is having. But shaving my legs takes time. And that is what I have so much of. Really, as I am typing this out I remember a recent post that I did about having our sons out of the house and loving all of the extra time. Crap.
And total honesty here, I think I hit rock bottom today; or at least my boobs did when I found myself for the third day in a row just not having enough ummph to even put on my bra. Tripping over one of my knockers really woke me up. I need to get my shit in gear and find that path that makes me feel good about myself, not make me feel like a supermodel, just make me feel like …. me.
So, changes are coming. I am going to take this process slowly. I will start by wearing a bra or maybe I should start with my hair; whatever I decide tomorrow morning it will be an improvement one way or the other. And in writing this it strikes me that maybe that is a good first step as well; just sitting down and taking note of things that do make me feel good. Is it wearing earrings? Is it perfume? How do I define me?
Whatever the definition is I need to learn it and more importantly, I need to memorize it.